
30 May Own It
OWN IT
I’m talking about a mindset that counterintuitively causes us to want to live in a negative space, in an “oh, poor me” world. It’s a subconscious desire to search for evidence – even if it’s self-destructive – that our theory about something is “right.” And, at times, we are so stubborn and pig-headed (myself included), that we would rather be right than happy. If that doesn’t resonate with you, let me tell you a little story about my own struggles that took me years to figure out.
But… what if I am wrong? Because there is another way of looking at my mom’s behavior. What if my mom loves me so much that she actually wants to see me more than I am able? That would be lovely, wouldn’t it? What if my mom is not coming up with daily ambushes, trying to figure out ways to make me feel guilty? What if all of that is on ME? What if my mom is just being honest and clear in her desire to see me more because she loves me. What a beautiful theory! If I accept this new theory, however, I’d be wrong about everything I’d held onto for over 25 years.! Uggh! But… I’d feel loved. And I’d be happier. On the other hand, if I hold onto the negative theory, the one that says “I can never do enough to please my mom,” I get to blame my mother for MY guilty feelings. It’s so much easier to point the finger at someone else than be accountable for my own behavior and feelings. And who cares if I’m unhappy and unloved? At least I’m right, right? Yes. Right and unhappy.
This story, though, has a happy ending: one day before calling my mother, I decided to change my steps in the tango. Instead of waiting for her to confirm my assumptions that I could never do enough to please her, I made a choice. I chose to be wrong. I chose happy. And so my mother, in that conversation, affirmed my new theory – that she loves me very much and can’t wait to see me again. (End of dance.)
I’m pretty sure that we ALL have hidden “truths” to explore. Very few of us (if any) are so emotionally evolved and self-aware that we have insight into every negative behavior or feeling we have. If my personal story didn’t cause a few “lightbulbs” to go off for you, perhaps the examples below will. These are a few of the negative theories about which many of us would rather be proven right, even at the expense of our own happiness.
Example #2: I will NEVER find Mr. Right. I’ve heard this theory a lot- “There are no good men left out there.” If this is your theory, trust me, you are most likely (although unintentionally) either dating the worst possible matches for you, or you are focusing on any negatives you can find in a guy, just so that you can prove your theory. You are right. You get to say, “See! I told you. There really aren’t any good men left.” NEWS FLASH: You could trip over a good man and you probably wouldn’t see him. Because if you did, that would mean your theory was wrong. But what if you abandoned your need to be right? Or, better yet, what if your new theory went like this: “There IS a good man out there for me. One that is kind and loving and loves me for me.” If you really internalized that theory, I ‘d bet the type of guy you are “cyber-winking” at would change. What if you interpreted every bad date you went on as simply one less guy to go through, before you found your perfect match? (After all, it only takes one.) Think of how this might change your entire outlook on dating. However… Until you can change your theory, or until you are ready to be proven wrong, maybe let your best girlfriend or your sister or your mom pick your dates. They, unlike you, have only your best interest at heart. They want to be right about their theory, which is how deserving you are. You, on the other hand, are still sabotaging your happiness in order to be right.
WARNING: We have all been guilty of this next example, some of us on a more regular basis. (Note: This is me, holding up my hand, guilty as charged.) This is the mindset that keeps us wallowing in our bad moods for longer than we should.
Example #3: I deserve to cheat. Have you ever had one of those shitty days where nothing goes right, and you come home and throw yourself a pity party? Come on… We all have. Which leads to the moment when we give ourselves permission to sit down with a spoon and a tube of raw Nestle Toll House cookie dough or, for some of us, a bottle of wine (which will usually lead to spoonfuls of raw cookie dough). We tell ourselves, “It’s been a shitty day. I deserve this.” And we cry to ourselves, eat like a pig (or drink ourselves into a hangover), and wallow in those feelings of negativity. The wallowing in those negative “oh, poor me” feelings is vital for this process. (See “Eeyore” above.) After all, those are the very feelings that give us permission to behave poorly.
Okay. So that’s just three examples. Maybe you’re not an Eeyore. Maybe you have a good man, or know that you deserve one. And maybe you are so incredibly self-evolved that you drown your sorrows in a stalks of celery. (I don’t know one single person this advanced, but if you are… bravo.) As to the rest of us? Take a moment. Look at yourself. The first step is to OWN it. Own your part of the dance. Own your role in sabotaging your own happiness for the sake of being right. Try to look deeper into that metaphorical mirror. It’s easier said than done. I know first-hand. But, it’s only by knowing yourself that you can begin to make changes.
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