26 Jun For Men (and the Women Who Love Them)
For Men (and the Women Who Love Them)
Listen, I’m just gonna cut right to the chase. Men, you need to start getting your shit together. And FAST. The world is changing. If you read my blog, then perhaps you are already one of those few men who are aware of this change. But if not, then to you – the women who love these men – it’s time to whip these guys into shape.
Please don’t send me the emails that say, “I love my man just the way he is, no matter what.” Ugghh! We all know that’s bullshit! If your man gained 40 pounds and bushels of white hair suddenly started growing out of his ears and his nose, you’d be singing a different tune. Sure, you’d still love him, but you might be more than a little, well… disgusted.
Let me put it into words you men will understand (ladies, when asked, tell the truth): being nice to us, AND helping with the kids/pets (if you have them) AND helping with household chores is no doubt a form of foreplay for a woman. But guys, if you let yourself go, you are simply NOT going to get laid as much as you’d like. You just aren’t. Sorry. It’s a fact. Now that I’ve gotten your attention, fellas, let’s move on.
It sucks, but chances are, if you don’t do anything to KEEP your hair, you are most likely going to lose it. And even if you look at your mother’s dad’s uncle’s cousin (or whoever experts are now claiming is the genetic carrier), it’s not going to be as thick as it was when you were in high school, so every man over the age of 35 should still follow these guidelines.
*If you can afford the trip to the dermatologist, do it. It is the most convenient one-stop shop for all of your hair-loss needs. Believe it or not, it is a dermatologist who has been best educated on the topic of hair loss. Here is what you need:
- Minoxidil Extra Strength (5%). Most dermatologists these days carry their own brand of Minoxidil. We grew up with it being called “Rogaine” because it was the first on the grocery store shelves. Use it. It works. Embarrassed to have Rogaine in your shopping cart? Try being in line when they need to price check the special on “Super Plus Tampons” or an “Arm & Hammer Baking Soda Douche”. Get over it, for God’s sake! But if you’re embarrassed, you can order it from Amazon. A three-month supply of Rogaine X-Strength 5% is $39.78. I’ll bet you spend more than that at Starbucks in a month. Looking for a better bargain? Kirkland Brand MINOXIDIL 5% is 24.99 for a 6-month supply. Also available on Amazon. (Ladies, you can use the same strength as your man. Don’t get suckered into thinking you need the “woman’s strength.”) Future blog to come on women’s hair loss.
- Propecia. It’s a little tiny pill. You take it once a day. Your dermatologist or general doctor needs to prescribe it. I’m not going to get all technical on you. You all know how to use google. Talk to your doctor to see if Propecia is right for you. I have guy friends who have been taking it for years and still have full heads of hair. And a few of my friends have just started taking it and swear (and I will support their testimony) that their hair has grown back fuller within a few months. There are some rare, yet serious, side effects to taking this medication. Make sure you consult with your doctor.
- Keep it Short. If you are already losing your hair, keep it short. No ponytails (ewww). No mullets with receding hairlines (I’m not sure where to even start with the mullet). And certainly no Donald Trump combovers. If your bald spot in the back is nearly meeting up with your receding hairline in the front, it’s time to go for the buzz cut or shave it. A completely bald head will not age you as much as an extreme receding hairline. There are plenty of very good looking bald men out there. If that’s where you are, then own it, and keep it shaved close. If, however, you are just nearing this stage, but have not yet tried #1 or #2, then I suggest this: Cut it short, so you can better see the progress, and start taking Propecia and using Minoxidil.
- Don’t Dye Your Hair. EVER. Hear me loud and clear… unless you are Tom Cruise readying to play a role in “Mission Impossible #26,” there is NO reason for a man to dye his hair. We actually like the salt-and-pepper look. Even completely gray or white is sexy (at least, that’s what I think). Unless, of course, it’s in a ponytail. Eww (again). A wrinkled-up older man with dyed black hair ages a man as much as an overdone facelift on a woman. (On a side note, women – you, however, are to dye your hair until you can no longer stand upright.
- Hair Replacement. The plugs of today are no longer the Barbie doll hair clumps of yesteryear. Nope. They are completely undetectable and a lot less painful, but still very expensive. I’m not going to spend time trying to talk you into this one. But if your self-esteem is deeply connected to your hair (think Fabio), then HERE is a good place for you to start to do your research on what is involved.
I’m certainly not going to list my skin-care regimen for you men. I don’t even know if you guys are even washing your face before bed. So lets keep it simple. 3 products for daytime. 3 products for nighttime. Simple, right? And I’ve listed them in the order in which you apply. (If you want to take it to the next level, read the blog, Retin-A, The Holy Grail of Skin-Care). Here you go, guys. The concept is simple. Use a simple face wash such as Phisoderm or Basics. You need a Vitamin C serum in the morning followed by sunscreen. You need a Retinoid product at night followed by a moisturizer if needed. Simple right? Eye cream is not necessary unless you have bags or dark circles. Need some suggestions?
Vitamin C serum: I like Skin Ceuticals CE Feurlic Acid or Timeless 20% CE Feurlic Acid
Eye cream: Nurse Jaime’s EGF Eye Cream is great for crepy or puffy eyes.
Sunscreen: I like Neutrogena Dry Touch 85+, but anything over SPF of 30 is fine.
Retinoid Product: For over the counter, I like the ROC product line, like ROC Deep Wrinkle Corrector, but if you want something stronger, then get a prescription .05% of Retin-A from your dermatologist.
Moisturizer: I like Olay Men’s or CeraVe Moisture PM.
So there you have it. Be consistent. You WILL see a difference. Moving on.
As men age, two things happen with your hair: you lose it on top of your heads, and you grow it inside your ears and nostrils. WTF?! Ya, get ready folks, it’s nasty.
Ears and Nose: There are hundreds of nose-hair trimmers on the market these days.You will definitely not be short of choices. But there is another solution. A better solution. Laser hair removal. If you get laser hair removal in your nostrils and ears before the hair turns white (this is the key), you will never in your lifetime have to deal with this problem again. It will be gone! You may have to undergo 3-4 treatments, so buy a package deal from your medi-spa, if it’s offered.
If it is too late for you, and you’ve already started sprouting long, coarse, white hair in your nose and ears, well then, you are kind of f@#ked. I’m sorry. So… now let’s deal with that.
Make sure EVERY time you get a hair cut, the barber trims the hair inside your ears and trims your eyebrows as well. Yep, those start growing long hairs as well. It’s difficult to do yourself at home. The nose is easy… it’s right in front of your face.
Which brings us to the next area of hair issues for you men: THE BACK. Guys, there is not a woman on the planet who finds back hair attractive. Women, please have my back on this (no pun intended): you guys need to get that shit fixed NOW!
Laser Hair Removal is fabulous for the back. If your hair is dark (which most hairy-back-types are), it only takes a few treatments to be hair-free. Hallelujah! And if you ARE the hairy-back-type, chances are you are probably covered with hair on more places than your back. I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to go crazy getting rid of everything. Unless, of course, you and your woman like it it that way. If you don’t want to go completely bare, my suggestion: Have them laser your entire back and the top of your shoulders. There is a natural place to end the hair removal, which is just above the collar bones. Leave the chest hair. Maybe trim it down just a bit .
As far as Laser Hair Removal goes, the only place I recommend it for a man are the ears, nostrils, and back. That’s just MY PERSONAL opinion. Some women like a hair-free man. I am not one of them. You are men, not boys. I like a little hair on my man (groomed of course). RULE OF THUMB: If your woman can grab hold and hang on to any hair other than the hair on top of your head: trim it, cut it, shave it, or zap it.
BELOW THE BELT: Am I going to get personal? You bet your ass I am! So, that said, I’m going to apologize in advance to my father, who reads everything I write and has encouraged me to find my own voice, being one of 5 kids. Thank you, Dad. (Now, maybe don’t read this next section).
I KNOW I’m not alone in this thought. So here it is: if women take the time and money and pain to groom their vaginal area (YES I SAID IT) for their man, WHY IN THE HELL DON’T WE (AS WOMEN) DEMAND THE SAME OF OUR MEN? And (more importantly) WHY aren’t you men asking what we want? I promise if you ask (REALLY ask), what we want, we will answer. And answer loudly. So ask.
I had a conversation with two doctors today (Dr. Solieman and Dr. Litner in Beverly Hills) who are developing a men’s skin-care line. (These 2 doctors know what they are doing, so I am eagerly awaiting their products.) And I MUST say (as a side note) they were BOTH doing the “hair” thing right. On their heads, bodies, and below their belts (so they say). Hey, I’m just a girl doing research.
The laser hair removal of the ears and nose hair was a new idea to them. But they both nodded in unison, told me it made sense. I’ll bet that, even as you are reading this blog, they are both making their appointments to get it zapped. But during our discussion about male skin-care and grooming, one (or both) of the doctors asked, “Don’t most men these days take care of themselves down there?” The answer is NO. I live in Los Angeles where there may be a slightly higher percentage of man-scapers. But take a nationwide poll, and the answer is NO. Then again, the Dixie flag is still flying at full mast in Charleston, South Carolina. So, male grooming is the LEAST of our worries as far as a nation-wide consensus.
Politics aside, back to the small details. (Probably not the best way to refer to male “parts.”) The best thing to do is to ask your woman. And women… just tell your man how you like him to be groomed. Or better yet, do it for them the first time. Say it in a sexy way, and I GUARANTEE you, he will be RUNNING to Rite Aid to buy a personal groomer.
Over the past decade, the number of men getting Botox (or “Brotox,” as it is more masculinely called) has increased by over 200%. Botox, or its competitor, Dysport, when injected 2-3 times per year, can not only soften the wrinkles you have, but also prevent new wrinkles from forming. Unlike women, men should only concentrate on the forehead, between the eyes and a touch on the crows feet. (Women, see the blog, Botox Part 1).
Okay, that’s all I have. I’m not going to even try to tackle the whole subject of shaving your face and neck, and the advantages that gives you in terms of exfoliation. If you follow me on Instagram (@liveyoungdarnell), you know that I had a shaving incident (or rather accident) when I shaved my own face after seeing it on the TV show “Good Work.” I’ve decided to steer clear of this subject due to the fact that I will not be shaving my face again.
So there you have it.
Guys, you got this. Girls, whip, groom, and zap your man into shape.